Blaming Your Partner Is Pushing Them Away

Blaming Your Partner Is Pushing Them Away

In his Psychology Today article, Dr. Robert Johansen talks about a common issue that quietly weakens many relationships: blaming your partner.

Johansen, who has spent years working with couples, says that partners often know each other’s soft spots better than anyone else… which means they also know exactly how to hurt each other. When things go wrong, it’s easier to point fingers instead of pausing to see what we actually need or how we’re expressing it.

Blaming might feel satisfying in the moment, but it quickly turns conversations into battles. Over time, it eats away at closeness and respect.

He gives an example of Stephanie, who gets angry when her partner doesn’t seem to listen. Her need to feel understood is completely valid - but the way she expresses it (through criticism and frustration) pushes her partner away instead of drawing him closer.

If she were to calmly say something like, “It means a lot when you really listen to me, and I could use that right now,” the same need would come across with vulnerability and respect.

That shift (managing your own needs rather than attacking your partner) is what Johansen calls good need management. It takes more effort, but it builds understanding instead of resentment.

He explains that blaming is really a way of avoiding personal responsibility. It’s like expecting your partner to fix your emotions for you. Healthy relationships, on the other hand, are built on self-awareness, communication, and compromise. When partners start seeing conflicts as chances to learn about themselves, it opens up room for growth.