not all kindness is kind

"I’m only doing this for your own good."

Have you heard that—right before someone imposed a decision on you and called it help?

They say it’s for your sake. But the way they do it... doesn’t do much for you. And you’re expected to be grateful. It comes wrapped in “kindness”, but underneath, it’s about control—about making sure they stay in a position of power.

So not all kindness is the same after all. Psychology shows kindness often comes from one of two sources: a desire to help, or a desire to benefit one’s own self.

The first type is altruistic kindness. It’s driven by genuine concern for someone else’s well-being. You help because someone needs help. That’s it. No performance, no agenda.

The impulse for altruistic kindness comes from empathy—a shift of focus away from yourself and toward the other person. You feel their discomfort, and you want to ease it. You’re not thinking about how it looks or what it says about you. You just want to reduce their pain, even if no one notices.

The second type of kindness is ego-driven. You still help—but the real goal is to feel good about yourself. You want to be seen as generous, wise, morally right. Or maybe you want things to be done in a specific way.

The tricky part is…you may not even realize you’re doing it. In your mind, it is help. You tell yourself it’s for their benefit—and try to convince them too. But if you look closely, the focus keeps slipping back to your own image, your own comfort, your own need to feel right. The way they want to do it doesn’t matter.

How can you tell what kindness drives you?

• If they say no to your help, how do you feel? If you’re offended or frustrated, it might mean the act was more about your own need to help than their actual need.

• If they don’t thank you or even notice…does it still feel worth it? Altruistic kindness doesn’t depend on applause. Ego-driven kindness often does.

• Would you still do it if no one else ever found out? No praise, no credit, no outcome exactly the way you imagined—would you still show up?

But why is altruistic kindness important? Because it frees you. When your kindness is truly for others, you’re not tied to how it’s received. You’re not waiting for thanks, approval, or a specific outcome. You help—and then you move on.

Psychologists call this intrinsically motivated behaviour—where the act itself is the reward. It’s been shown to reduce stress, boost long-term wellbeing, and even strengthen your sense of identity.

Ego-driven kindness, on the other hand, is extrinsically motivated. It depends on what you get back. And when you don’t get it, it stings. It builds resentment.

Islam approaches this issue with a surprising kind of wisdom: God reminds us not to cling too tightly to the outcomes of this world. Do good—but don’t expect control, praise, or results. Keep some healthy distance.

Whatever your beliefs are, this hadith speaks to something about how the world works. The more you obsess over how people see you, how your kindness is received, or whether you're being admired for doing the "right" thing, the more tangled your life becomes. You give, yet it never feels enough. You help, but are always left expecting a return.

It’s like trying to hug your own shadow. The more you chase it, the further it slips away.

And when you let go of needing the world to notice, you often end up with more of it anyway—not because you chased it, but because you weren’t controlled by it.

Remember: you do everything for a reason. What’s your reason?